Forgiveness vs. Reconciliation
As we discussed in our last post, forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same thing. This is so key for us to understand as believers, since Christ calls us to live in forgiveness, but it is not always possible to live in reconciliation. Why? Reconciliation requires both parties to be in forgiveness and to work together to find healing. Regardless of our own heart and the strength of our relationship with Christ, we cannot force someone else into forgiveness or into healing. They must find that in Christ on their own. However, this does not stop us from stepping into forgiveness ourselves. Why? Because forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation.
So, how are they different?
Forgiveness is the place where we release the bitterness and condemnation we hold against another person. We can only come to this place of forgiveness because of the work of Christ within us. If you would like to learn more about what forgiveness is, we discussed it in depth in the previous two posts What Does It Mean to Forgive? and Receiving Forgiveness. Essentially, forgiveness is a state of being in which we have let go of hurt and condemnation and have reconciled our relationship with Christ. Forgiveness is only between you and God, and it frees you from carrying the burden of struggle against another person.
Reconciliation, on the other hand, is the restoration of relationship. Reconciliation requires that we process truth with the other person and work toward healing together. However, both parties must be willing to do these things in order for reconciliation to take place. As Christians, we are called to forgive those who hurt us and then to be available to work toward reconciliation. This is only possible, though, if the other party is willing to do the same.
If they are not willing to process truth, we can still live in forgiveness and with Christ. Hallelujah! So long as you are in forgiveness toward that person, you will experience freedom. In that freedom, you can remain open to processing truth with the other person, regardless of whether it takes weeks, months, years, or even if it never happens. It is Christ’s hope, of course, that we be reconciled to all. Our job is to always remain open to reconciliation and to live in forgiveness in all situations. These are the aspects of reconciliation that depend on us. The rest is left up to the other person.
If that person does desire reconciliation as well, how do we go about working through our issues? Let’s look at the scriptures:
How do we live in reconciliation?
Matthew 5:21-26
21 “You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, ‘You shall not murder, and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.’ 22 But I tell you that anyone who is angry with a brother or sister will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to a brother or sister, ‘Raca,’ is answerable to the court. And anyone who says, ‘You fool!’ will be in danger of the fire of hell. 23 “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, 24 leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift. 25 “Settle matters quickly with your adversary who is taking you to court. Do it while you are still together on the way, or your adversary may hand you over to the judge, and the judge may hand you over to the officer, and you may be thrown into prison. 26 Truly I tell you, you will not get out until you have paid the last penny.
To live in forgiveness, we must always be willing to ask others to forgive us when we have hurt them and to immediately become reconciled with them when we have caused them offense. Never be too proud to immediately get things resolved. The longer we wait, the more difficult it becomes to restore relationships.
Likewise, we are to continually offer reconciliation toward those who have hurt us. Remember that reconciliation takes two parties and so our role is strictly to offer the opportunity to process truth out of a heart of forgiveness.
As you can see, the key to processing truth and working toward reconciliation is first remaining in forgiveness, and then communicating with the other person. Openly admit your wrongdoings and offer reconciliation to those who have wronged you. Do not wait to seek reconciliation, but approach them immediately with a heart of forgiveness.
If the other party does not wish to reconcile or to process truth, our role is then to find a way to live with that. The most important piece of this is to remain in forgiveness toward them, so that any continued offense fails to trap us in a life of bitterness. Forgiveness leads us into freedom in Christ—do not let another steal that from you!
Sometimes, when people refuse to reconcile with us and continue to hurt us, it is necessary to step away from the relationship in order to stay in forgiveness and maintain peace. Our role is still to remain open to reconciliation, but while the other refuses this, it may be helpful to both parties if you step away.
What about family relationships?
While stepping away from a relationship may be possible with a friend, it is not generally possible with close family members. Often people refuse to process truth in an attempt to maintain control, creating dysfunctional family dynamics. We are not called to reject these family members, but we also want to avoid becoming trapped in unforgiveness when they inevitably harm us.
These situations may require you to establish boundaries that will allow you to honor the other person while also protecting yourself. These boundaries may look like placing time limitations on your interactions, or determining not to engage on a particular subject. Furthermore, you do not need to tell the other person about these boundaries. In reality, telling them about your boundaries may actually make the situation worse. These boundaries are for you, and can simply be things you put in place for yourself to ensure you do not get caught in a cycle of hurt or unforgiveness.
As we approach all relationships, remember that our primary calling is to live in forgiveness. We do this on the same basis by which we have been forgiven—through Christ. Seek reconciliation where it depends on you, and learn to place boundaries on relationships where reconciliation is not an option. When you interact with whom you have a broken relationship, pray for strength in the Holy Spirit and for the wisdom to not be drawn into further argument. Seek goodness and joy in every situation, depending on Christ to fill you with His spirit and love. Remember, we can only experience the freedom of forgiveness if we have first accepted Christ’s forgiveness toward us. Keep seeking Him and abiding in His presence—He will lead you into exceptional freedom.
If you have any questions regarding forgiveness or setting relational boundaries, please don’t hesitate to reach out to us here. We’re here to help! You can also learn more about the principles of forgiveness through our online course: Life In Forgiveness.
